April is Cesarian Awareness Month.
I never thought I would end up being a C-Section mom. I was the girl who walked into labor and delivery with a plan. I knew exactly how I wanted our labor to go and I had this perfect picture in my head as to how delivery would be. But after hours of laboring that was not going to happen.
My birthing experience with Macyn was hectic, scary, and painful. I went into the hospital hoping to have a smooth induction and meet my son soon after. I had a birth plan and was so excited to have the perfect birth. All of those plans came to halt after I had labored for almost 17 hours and my sons heart rate began to drop due to him being stuck in between my hip and my pelvic bone. When the doctor said we would have to have an emergency cesarean section, I wanted to burst into tears. As they wheeled me into the operating room, I remember being so scared. My spinal did not work all the way and I felt half of my right side as they began. The pain crept from my lower stomach down to my legs and all the way up to my face. The nurse had to come over and strap my arms and chest down because I could not stop shaking from the pain. They had to make a bigger incision than they originally made due to the baby being stuck and larger than expected. All of a sudden they said he was here. I had to hear his first cries from afar. A blue sheet covered my view and he was on the other side of the operating room as they checked to make sure he was okay. I did not get him instantly placed on me or skin to skin . It was a few minutes before they laid him down next to me. I couldn’t even hold him, I was in so much pain my body was in shock and I was weak after being in labor for hours. But he was here. I was a mother. He was perfect in every way and I would go through all the pain again and again to have him.
I felt like I had failed. I felt like I wasn’t a good mother already because I couldn’t have vaginal birth.
After he was born, I remember being told I was lucky I got the easy way out of labor. Little did they know the pain I had endured and how my dreams of skin to skin and a “typical” delivery never happened. It took me months to come to terms with my birth experience and that the words of others were not the truth. Thankfully my second cesarian section was planned, much more calm, and a healing experience compared to my first. With McKynleigh, they lifted her up the moment she was born for us to see. Matthew was able to actually cut the umbilical cord and we got to hold her until she was taken due to breaking issues related to swallowing some fluids.
Every birth is different but every birth is beautiful. Our bodies may be designed to give birth vaginally, but sometimes that is just not possible. And that is okay! Never feel shameful of your birth, it is unique to you. It is the very beginning of the best chapter of your parenthood journey, cherish it. It has been 2 1/2 years since my last cesarian section and I wear my scar proud. I am no longer ashamed of having to have a cesarian section as both experiences gave me my greatest blessing.
Wear your scar proud and know that every birth is beautiful!