I didn’t always have this smile

When I look at myself today, I see happiness. I see a genuine smile. I see a girl who beat the odds and beat the cycle. I see a woman who has become a mother, a wife, and a friend all through healing from her past. I see a woman who went through years of toxic abuse but broke free even when she didn’t know if she could swim any further. I see a woman who has accomplished so much in the last few years and has a successful career she could’ve only dreamt of. I see a woman who is loved, treasured, supported, and appreciated in all the ways she longed for. I see a woman who didn’t give up and kept on pushing even when it was hard as hell. I see a woman that is truly happy. But that smile wasn’t always there.

I didn’t always have a smile.

I didn’t always laugh.

I didn’t always feel happiness.

I have a been through a lot and very few people know all I have been through. It is all something I rarely talk about for many reasons. One reason being the parties involved and one also being I just bottle some of it up. Over the last few years I have learned a lot about myself. Emotional, mental, and verbal abuse is just has hurtful as other forms of abuse. You also don’t have to go to war to have PTSD sadly. I finally opened my eyes to the fact I have PTSD last year and since have learned a lot. Certain things trigger my emotions and PTSD hits, sometimes really hard. Some days of healing are hard and some days are easy. Most importantly, I now know it is okay to feel these emotions and to learn from them. For so long I told myself that I couldn’t show how I felt or express it because than I would look weak. In actuality, that makes me strong. Along with healing, I have had to remove toxic people out if my life all while learning that just because one is blood does not make them healthy or a good person. I have forgiven those who have hurt me but also not forgotten.

I look back and think wow I have come a long way. Not just in life, but emotionally. Growing up my life was in constant turmoil. I was always stressed on doing something wrong and felt so much weight on my shoulders. Today I am free, happy, and have lifted this weight off by removing toxic people from my life and learning to heal. Things I dreamt of for years are now my everyday reality. 5 years ago I felt defeated and today I stand strong. Don’t ever give up, you CAN accomplish anything your heart desires if you just keep pushing.

Xoxo

Christian